Maria Gaian, Mental Wellness Mentor 

Hannah’s* Story

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the client.

“Can someone help me fake happiness for my kids? I’m severely depressed and they deserve better.”

That was the question Hannah was asking in a depression forum. My heart went out to her because she was struggling but didn’t want her little ones to know. 

I decided to answer her question. 

‘My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you feel so bad.

In 2013, I felt the same way, but I made the decision not to fake it, but to do everything I could to heal from this awful illness.

I succeeded and I’m ok now. I did it for my kids cos I couldn’t take the guilt and shame I felt at not being able to function in the world.

I honestly don’t know if you can fake happiness. I think kids sense the truth and I think you’ll burn yourself out pretending.

It probably takes more effort to fake happiness than to genuinely find it for yourself.

You say your kids deserve better, but you deserve better, too. You deserve to be happy.

Without knowing your situation, it’s hard for me to give you a road map to happiness. I’m here if you need someone who understands

Love Maria.’

She must have liked my answer, cos she reached out to me privately and asked if I could help her. 

We chatted a little more by email and then we arranged a video call.  

Sitting in her car to get some privacy during the COVID lockdown, she came into view on my screen and I was instantly struck by her aura.

Hannah has the most beautiful smile and a way about her that made me warm to her instantly. 

But although she was smiling, inside Hannah was suffering. 

There was a LOT to unpack!

Normally I chat with people for about twenty minutes about what they’re struggling with, but Hannah had so much going on that we talked for an hour and a half! 

😞 Hannah was struggling with some very deep soul wounds relating to childhood sexual abuse. Before moving from Somalia to the US, she was abused many times from a young age by relatives and friends of the family. She never said anything because it happened to all the women and girls. Then when she grew older, she realised that she had been abused and it devastated her.  

💔 She loved her husband but he was always tired and so they didn’t really connect anymore.  They were struggling to keep their marriage on track despite her describing him as a good husband who she believes truly loves her. 

😫 Her three children were very young and she was struggling to care for them because she felt so exhausted from fighting the black dog. 

👶 Depression crept in after her first child was born and she couldn’t seem to shake it. She no longer cooked or cleaned the house and just did what was needed to make sure the kids were ok. Her family was helping her to do the rest. 

🧓 She was working in nursing homes taking care of older people but she hated it and so she kept quitting.  Then she felt disappointed with herself.

Hannah was severely depressed but didn’t want to take antidepressants.

As always, my first question was, ‘Have you spoken to your doctor about this?’

I’m not the biggest fan of antidepressants for various reasons, but I do believe that when people are  in crisis and suffering extreme emotional pain, they can be very useful. They certainly were for me in the short term.

But Hannah was adamant that she didn’t need or want to take antidepressants. She felt that her feelings of depression were caused by both her current situation, feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing and most of it was rooted in deep childhood trauma.

She felt that the drugs would only numb her pain, but not heal the root of it.

Hannah’s soul was deeply wounded and those wounds were overwhelming her in every aspect of her life. 

We chatted about her relationship with her husband, but there wasn’t much point addressing any of her current issues until she dealt with the soul wound caused by childhood abuse. 

I suggested that Hannah find a good licensed medical professional that specialises in childhood sexual abuse to help her process this vast amount of trauma. 

Hannah agreed, but still wanted to work with me in conjunction with a therapist as she felt she needed additional support.

Hannah was very open minded and on our next call, we went on a Soul Healing Journey to explore her wounds. 

This journey lasted about 45 minutes. I helped her to eradicate the guilt, shame and pain of her past and to really understand that the abuse was not her fault. She didn’t need to carry the burden of it any more. 

I worked on lifting her confidence and self esteem, reminding her that she’s a good mother and wife. 

Then I took her back to the beginning of her relationship with her husband so that she could remember what it felt like and rekindle those feelings again. 

It was a intense journey, but we achieved a LOT!

Hannah admitted that the Soul Healing Journey felt weird, but not in a bad way, and that she felt lighter afterwards. 

I recorded the session and advised her to listen to it every day for at least twenty one days to get the best results. 

In the meantime, I suggested spending time in nature, creating a sleep routine, some really good self care and some time out away from the kids with her husband.  

After listening to the healing session for several days, Hannah began feeling better and was much more optimistic about the future. 

It was time to begin talking about Hannah’s career as a nurse, which I knew was bothering her. 

Hannah is empathic and like most abuse survivors, she’s a loving and compassionate person. 

Nursing would seem like the perfect career for her, but in fact she was deeply unhappy. 

She’d worked hard to become a nurse and wanted to help support the family financially, but she couldn’t seem to stick at a job for very long. She kept quitting, citing various reasons as to why her jobs never lasted. 

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I asked her what was really making her unhappy about nursing. 

Hannah became visibly upset and started to tell me how depressed she felt because of her job. 

She loves caring for people, but she was tired of seeing so many older people come into the nursing home with a spring in their step and a sparkle in their eyes, only to be zombified by lots of medication.

Medication that Hannah felt wasn’t necessary. 

She felt that these wonderful golden oldies were being let down by the doctors and drug companies. Instead of being given good nutrition and physical care, they were being ‘drugged up’ and left to rot. 

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Hannah felt helpless and powerless to do anything about it.

She realised that those feelings were similar to how she felt as a child when she was being abused. Makes sense, doesn’t it? 

So many of us abuse survivors feel driven to be a voice for the voiceless, wanting to rescue other vulnerable people and animals from abusive situations the way we wish we had been rescued.  

Hannah told me she feels like screaming at the relatives of these older people in her care to DO something, but they’re oblivious to what’s going on. They seem to accept the downhill spiral of their once sparky family members as a consequence of old age, rather than the side effect of medication. 

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I could sense Hannah’s pain and frustration.

Hannah is deeply compassionate and cares about her patients.  She feels that they aren’t getting the right care and that depresses her. 

We talked about how easy it is to feel angry and frustrated about the BIG things that we feel we have no power to change.

It’s a common problem.

In these circumstances, I always ask people to focus on what they CAN do, rather than what they can’t.

I asked Hannah what she thought should be happening to these elderly clients. 

Hannah talked about holistic healthcare, specifically telling me that she believes that we are what we eat. She talked about how terrible the typical US diet is and how harmful it is to people.

She talked enthusiastically about how she converted her sisters to eating an organic, plant filled diet and how they had become so much healthier as a result.

The more she talked, the more she lit up and the bigger her beautiful smile became. 

It was obvious to me what her passion and purpose were in that moment.

Hannah’s soul is calling her to heal people. Just not as a nurse in these nursing homes for the elderly. 

Hannah’s passion and purpose is to heal people through nutrition.

Perfect!

We talked about how instead of leaving work every day feeling depressed, there was another way she could make people better.

Wouldn’t that feel more uplifting?

Hannah admitted that it’d be amazing!

She felt that she needed some time to focus on fixing things with her husband and getting her kids into school before committing to studying for a new certification, but she felt better knowing she has something positive to work towards.

When I contacted Hannah to catch up a few weeks later, she was feeling so much better.

She’s making a point of getting out into nature on a regular basis to lift her spirits. That on its own makes a huge difference to her mental wellbeing. 

Life is on the up for her and she knows what she wants to focus on for the future, even if she’s not ready to start right now. 

I learned from these sessions with Hannah that we don’t always need to jump into following our passion and purpose right away.

Sometimes, just knowing where we’re going and what we want to do when our circumstances allow it, can be enough.

I think Hannah’s right to be focusing on her self and her family for a while. She suffered from depression for a long time. They’ve got a lot of healing to do together as a family before Hannah starts immersing herself in her new career choice. 

If Hannah’s story has inspired you to look deeper into how changing your career could help you to ditch the black dog of depression, please click the button below and book your low cost Gaian Pathfinder Sessions – your GPS to guide you on your journey out of depression.

Don’t forget that you can join me over in the Black Dog Cafe community. It’s an off facebook, safe space for you to get support, tools and techniques to help you survive depression. 

With love and magick always,

Maria xx