My Story – My Experience with the Black Dog of Depression 

If you’d met me 10 years ago, you wouldn’t recognise me as the person I am today. I was a mess!

 

I’m an autistic abuse survivor and for most of my life I struggled with anxiety, depression and complex post traumatic stress.

I bounced from drama to drama attracting bullies, baiters and manipulators into my life with alarming regularity.

No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to create the kind of happy life I dreamed of.

I felt like anxiety and depression were embedded in my DNA.

Over the years I’ve experienced: –

 

🤕 abuse of all kinds;

😥 bereavement;

💔 heartbreak;

😡 divorce;

😞 business failure;

😟 abandonment;

💔 rejection;

😭 betrayal;

😞 and chronic illness

and somehow I managed to box all that pain up and hide it away so I didn’t have to face it, or feel it.

I was in denial, believing I was coping when really I was avoiding dealing with any of the pain.

People would tell me I was strong for surviving everything, but I felt broken beyond repair!

Pain and trauma don’t like to be suppressed and in 2013, they bubbled to the surface and demanded my attention.

Triggered by an abusive landlord, everything fell apart. I couldn’t cope with the violence and abuse and I began to withdraw from life.

Everything I touched seemed to turn to sh*t and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get myself together. I started to dissociate.

My business failed and my family and I were publicly humiliated on social media by a bunch of rumour mongers we’d never even met!

The guilt, shame, regret, pain and grief overwhelmed me. It was the last straw and I had a nervous breakdown.

I had severe clinical anxiety and depression and I couldn’t cope with life anymore.

My

🚶‍♀️   body;

🧠 mind;

🔥  soul and

💔 heart

were exhausted and I wanted out.

About Maria Gaian

All I did was lay in bed, trapped in the prison of my own mind. This photo was taken to prove to my husband that I was safe.

Doctors prescribed a cocktail of antidepressants and antipsychotics, but all they did was make me feel like a zombie.

 

I spent most of my time asleep in bed, barely showered and would only eat junk food.

My family were everything to me, but I wasn’t there for them.

All I wanted to do was escape from the prison of my own mind.

I wanted the pain to end.

 

My soul was so wounded that I didn’t feel like my life was worth living anymore.

What changed?

 

It all came to a head one day when my little girl, who was about 5 years old, asked me to get out of bed and come eat dinner with her.

As always, I refused, preferring to stay in the sanctuary of my bed.

But as I spoke, I saw the pain in my beloved child’s eyes and something inside of me broke open.

I knew I had to make a choice – end it, or do my best to heal and be there for my family again.

 

I’ll be honest, my inner bitch was on overdrive, telling me that my family would all be better off without me dragging them down. That if I ended it, they could all move on.

 

But as I was thinking about all this, a song came on the radio.

I’d heard the song before, I was familiar with it.

The song was ‘Dance Again’ by Jennifer Lopez and I took it to be a sign.

But this time the lyrics hit me so hard in the heart, I just started to cry.

I did want to dance again and love again.

And I made the choice to do everything in my power to get better.

 

Everything changed when I discovered ways to manage my mental health and wellness that were so simple they felt like magick!

In my desperate search for a cure for my mental and emotional pain, I discovered the healing power of ecotherapy and green witchcraft.

They didn’t just change my life – they saved it.

I’m the creatrix of Alchemical Ecotherapy™ and Therapeutic Witchcraft™, both of which helped me to heal and thrive as if by magick!

Today, I live my dream life, halfway up a magickal mountain in Spain with my Soulmate, five grown up children and a bunch of familiars – aka horses, dogs, cats, and birds. 

Now I want to share how the magick of Alchemical Ecotherapy™ and Therapeutic Witchcraftcan help you to ditch the black dog of depression, too.

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About the Author

Maria Gaian

Maria Gaian is a magickal mental wellness mentor specialising in depression recovery.

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